Layout:
Home > Remembering

Remembering

October 20th, 2009 at 06:49 am

Its amazing how you can feel fine one minute and then you see something and your heart just drops.

I have my days where I'm feeling fine & am optimistic about the future. In a way, I almost feel like this was the worst thing I could have imagined - things can only go up from here. Nothing else can hurt me like this has.

And in that same breath, recognizing that I'm still alive. It wasn't as devastating as I had dreaded these past few years. I didn't fall apart at the funeral even though I thought I'd be more emotional. I guess a part of me, seeing him in the casket seemed so surreal. Like it wasn't real.

I'm not in denial. I know that was my Dad, but in a way it wasn't. If I spoke to his body, I would cry - for no other reason than the simple recognition that the person who made up my father, was no longer inhabiting that body. He had gone somewhere else. Like calling out someone's name in an empty house.

I have my moments. I'm trying to stay so focused and dedicated with everything going on in my life. And as October is coming to a close & I look ahead in the calendar to plan next month... there it is, staring at me in the face with bright blue highlighting.

I never took it off the calendar.

Vegas.

We were supposed to have spent Thanksgiving there. A halfway point between Virginia and Hawaii so that it was more affordable for us & not too long of a flight for Dad. We had so many plans and he was so excited about the trip and getting to see his grandkids again.

I wonder when this gets easier. If there ever will be a time that I can come across something like that and not stop in my tracks & remember the fact that I just lost one of the most important people in my life.

He helped shape me into who I am today. His laughter, his kindness, his stability. No matter what I did as a kid, no matter how bad - he was always even tempered. I could predict what he would say & how he would react. And he taught me so much when it comes to the way we look at things in life.

Even in face of the economy or the North Korea missile threat. I'd call him up & he would just tell me these things happen and people get worked up, then it all works out, and people wonder why they got worked up in the first place. And of all people, he would know. His first few memories are of living under martial law in Hawaii, then in adulthood seeing the Cold War & Vietnam War & Korean Conflict play out. He'd seen inflation skyrocket in the 80s and housing slump. He'd seen a lot.

If I called him up concerned about North Korea's threat to hit Hawaii with a missile, he would just remind me its nothing new. Then laugh & say that he will worry the day North Korea says they plan to hit Alaska - cause their aim is so bad, then they'll probably hit Hawaii - but till then, he'll just put it in the back of his mind & continue to enjoy life.

I never imagined the emotions I would feel from this. How something so small of a reminder can stop you in your tracks & bring you to tears for a moment. And yet, within a few moments have a smile cross your face as you recount all the wonderful memories you've had with that person.

I really was blessed to have had a father like him.

5 Responses to “Remembering”

  1. Ima saver Says:
    1256058804

    Yes, you were!

  2. miclason Says:
    1256069434

    It's a rollercoaster. Prepare to be indignant about pepole whose parents are alive and living close, and don't go see them!
    It does get easier with time, but, you'll still get those moments once in a while!

  3. LuxLiving Says:
    1256072873

    Your expressions about your dear father are so touching and heartfelt here. God bless you as you go through this trying time.

  4. scfr Says:
    1256088653

    When does it get easier? Everyone is different.
    For me it was 2 years (I was an adolescent when my father died and that no doubt complicated the grieving process. Please don't think it will be that long for you.)

    Yes, things will continue to make you teary from time to time for as long as you live ... If, for example, you read a really touching blog entry by someone who just lost her beloved father and remember that the 30th anniversary of your own father's death is just around the corner ...

    I think your father was also blessed to have a daughter like you.

  5. cptacek Says:
    1256094426

    It just kicks you in the stomach sometimes, doesn't it? I sometimes wish we could just turn our emotions off for awhile.

Leave a Reply

(Note: If you were logged in, we could automatically fill in these fields for you.)
*
Will not be published.
   

* Please spell out the number 4.  [ Why? ]

vB Code: You can use these tags: [b] [i] [u] [url] [email]