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Coping

September 20th, 2009 at 04:35 am

So I've been coping. I talked to a friend today, our dads bodyguarded Elvis together...so my friend's family and our family go WAY back. As I said, they bodyguarded Elvis together & were both police officers.

She told me she'd be a wreck if she were me. And I told her, a part of me somehow knew this was all going to happen... and in a way, I've been preparing for this for years.

While my Dad was busy writing his will & paying for his funeral... I was busy doing my best to hold onto all the memories I could of him.

In 2000, for an english assignment, I interviewed him about stories about his life. In recent years, I started saving all of his letters to the kids.

This year, my other best friend gave me a Livescribe pen, so I started recording conversations between me & my Dad. I even asked him to start writing something to the effect of "memoirs". He started it, but I know its not completed.

Never the less, I spent a couple days this past week compiling everything and was amazed to find that just between the stories & what my Dad put together... there is 41 pages (8x10).

So I told my best friend, that is probably why I'm able to hold it together as best I can.... because I have so many memories of him that I know that even when he does go... the memories and legacy that he has left behind will always remain, and if I ever think I'm about to forget - I have all of this to remind me.

In a way, seeing him deteriorate from the man I knew 2 years ago leaves me in a state that - is hard to describe. I love him and I know I'll miss him forever & I NEVER want to say goodbye, but I don't want to be so selffish to hold onto him that he is not allowed to die with the dignity he deserves. If that makes any sense.


So yeah, I'm coping... Tuesday was the last day I cried and for that I'm grateful. Crying everyday was painful and emotionally exhausting for me. I found out on 9/4 that he had metastasized liver cancer (in the docs words "The cancer has practically replaced his liver & is in his lungs") and I cried everyday till I got to Hawaii, then I cried the Monday & Tuesday I got back from Hawaii.

I'm just not sure what to expect with this. I have no experience with this. I've only had 2 people in my life close to me die, and I never knew anyone that I loved who was DYING. I'm sure there is no right way to handle all this... I just have to hope that however I handle this - It'll be in the best way I can.

2 Responses to “Coping”

  1. lizajane Says:
    1253464829

    Sounds like you have a lot of memories and stories and letters etc to fall back on. Coping is all you can do for now. ((hugs))

  2. miclason Says:
    1253497968

    ((hugs))

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