I've heard a lot of people say that I should allow myself to be angry. Angry that such a devastating disease has been able to take someone I love from me.
Perhaps I am confused, but I don't really see what anger would bring me. When has anger ever brought peace to someone's life? Peace heals anger, anger does not bring peace.
I can't ask "Why him? Why me?" or say "This shouldn't be happening"
Who says it shouldn't be happening? Was there a chalkboard in the sky that said he was supposed to live till he was 80?
What is to say this ISN'T happening exactly how it was meant to? What if this truly is the best and only way things could have ever occurred?
Maybe this IS the only way things were meant to happen. Who am I to say otherwise?
And I'm not religious, but extremely spiritual. I know some people lose their faith when someone they love dies... instead mine has been made stronger. In a way, I have to believe that death is not the end.
I told the older two kids this morning that I can't guarantee my Dad will be alive when we go there on Saturday. He's weak, his arms are turning blue, and he's becoming restless. He's stayed in bed a lot & I haven't talked to him since Saturday, he's just too weak and tired.
My oldest started to tear up and we talked for a little while about heaven and what I believe happens after we die. And reassured her that if he dies before we get there, we will still go to the funeral so we can say goodbye.
I think of all things, life is unexpected. But I can't be angry at anything.... I've had him longer than I could have anticipated. He could have died in '92 when he had his first brain tumor, or at any point during his 30 years in the police force, or when he was almost hit by a car.
But he didn't... instead I had him for numerous years and it is with that I find that I can't be angry because no matter what, even in this sad time - the good has outweighed the bad.
I don't know what the future holds but there is one thing I am sure about.... I am so glad that I flew out to Hawaii in September. Had I not, I probably would be a wreck right now.
Expectations
October 1st, 2009 at 11:49 am
October 1st, 2009 at 01:52 pm 1254405121
October 1st, 2009 at 01:56 pm 1254405397
October 1st, 2009 at 01:59 pm 1254405589
October 1st, 2009 at 03:16 pm 1254410191
Some say that death is the final healing.