My Dad's death has brought so much to light for me.

First off, I'll start with that. I was extremely emotional those first few days. I was fine on the plane until the pilot announced we were landing and I broke out into tears.

It was that sudden realization that this was the first time I was coming home and he was gone. He was really gone. As we'd drive in the morning to his place where he lived with my Aunt, I looked out to the beach and felt a void in my heart.

I had a hard time looking around Hawaii and not crying. A place that had brought me so much joy left me wondering if staying home would have been easier.

And then there was family.

My brother and his wife flew in for the funeral which would be on the 9th. And suddenly the solidarity of our family returned and I remembered that is what had made me feel so strong in September.

Eventually the tears started to wash away as my husband, the kids, and I were encouraged to go out and enjoy ourselves. My Aunt and Uncle had taken care of the funeral arrangements and my Dad had prepaid much of everything. They told me not to worry but towards the end of the week, it would get busier.

So DH and I took the kids out. We went to a luau, hung out with friends, let the kids spend some time with their Uncle, and my cousin's kids... memories of everything family means flooded back.

My brother and I are particularly close. He was like a second Dad to me because he's 8 years older.

At the funeral, neither of us cried. We both loved Dad soooo much, but it was like I just couldn't cry. My Dad was such a happy person that at one point I did get emotional, but all I could do was shake and tremble... maybe it was nervousness from my upcoming speech, or that my Dad just didn't want me to cry. He wanted us happy, even the songs he chose for his funeral were meant to be happy songs to celebrate his life rather than mourn it.

It was a beautiful day but when we had the speeches & blessings, it rained. Thankfully, it cleared up just as we were taking him to his grave and the funeral director said that it was a blessing. Then as I looked up afterwards, I could see seven waterfalls on the mountains overlooking the cemetery.

It was beautiful.

So I found peace and left the island with a mixed sense of missing my Dad but also gratitude for the family I was blessed to be a part of. I see the legacy he's left behind in each of us, and that alone makes me smile.

My brother did make me realize a few things regarding finances and our past during the trip.

He's like me, makes a good living (he's a prosecutor) but he has high-debt. He's decided to foreclose on his rental home and I think he's planning to file bankruptcy.

I'm not there. I'm actually at a point I can see the light at the end of the tunnel where I can see myself paying things off & coming out with my credit in tact.

But the realization was this... the entire time we were growing up, we were always told "Get what you want" money was no object. If we wanted something, we never heard 'No', and sometimes my Dad suffered for it cause he had to work extra shifts for it.

I'm not blaming any of our financial problems on my family... thats actually to the contrary. They seem very financially astute themselves, my Dad did have credit card bills due to a divorce and legal battles... but he cleared that up before he died so he could retire.

He left the world with no debts except his car loan of $20K.

My Aunt always pays for things with cash.

So where did my brother and I develop this problem? And I think it was simply... although we were told to put money aside, whenever we would go out to eat or celebrate - we were also told many times that money was no object, to get what we wanted without concern for the price.

DH on the other hand is the opposite extreme, he grew up with nothing so he splurged in adulthood.

So I learned there has to be a balance. You can live a frugal life, but at the same time - its important to teach your kids to be frugal themselves. Too often, my brother & I were just spoiled... it didn't matter what we wanted. But at the same time, all along, we were told to save but never given anything to budget ourselves. If we ran out of money we could always go back to the family and ask for more.

In the end, I learned its all about balance and consistency. Either way, I know I'm fully responsible for the choices I made in adulthood. I was told all the right advice, but at the same time I wish I hadn't been so spoiled... at least not so consistently.

Lastly, I've decided that with any money I receive from my Dad... it's going to be our safety net. And that I won't ever touch it unless there comes a time, and I'll know when that time comes, that I need to use it.

My Dad was always someone I could turn to in times of needs. He had bailed me out several times & I always felt protected by him.

I think by keeping this money safe specifically for a true emergency (the kind that I'd go to my Dad in tears over cause I didn't know what to do), in a way I think it will also give me that security that he gave me during his life.