It was a rough day. The kids were acting up and I think in large part its because DH is gone. I wasn't feeling my best since I was coming down with a sore throat. I think DD #1 gave everyone her sickness. Turns out it was strep since the doc called me Friday and I had to pick up her antibiotics. However, her 5 minute strep test was negative so I thought she was fine till then.

ANYHOW, DH called tonight. I was still upset but trying to take the Dalai Lama's advice to heart. I was upset, and hearing how he went to Bourbon Street last night didn't make me feel better.

Do I think he did anything wrong? Likely not.
Am I happy about it? No

And I realize the reason I'm not happy about it is because I never get to do anything fun. I got married young, had kids young... my whole identity has been wrapped up into my husband and kids. While that is something I am proud of, at my age, it also leaves me wondering at times - Who am I?

Its why I am able to throw myself into my work or school. That is the one area of my life that is purely and authentically ME. Just me. Its not necessarily fun, but its me. One thing that is purely my own.

I used to go out a lot more but then my marriage went downhill. DH was the one getting upset cause he never went out and had fun. So I stopped, and even then I can't get mad at him about these trips - The traveling is part of his job. I just get a bit upset at times that his job includes going to driving schools to learn how to rally race, ride ATVs, and other stuff that is fun. Other stuff I'm not so envious about.

But I really just want to have fun too. And I don't even really have friends here anymore. I've thrown myself so deeply into family and my career, friends... at least ones that don't include kid's birthday parties... are an after thought.

I realize I just need time to process my feelings with this. So I called up my BFF again. And came to the realization that - I just want something that would even feel remotely equitable. A Thank You for getting stuck with the kids 24/7.

So I texted Dh and told him when he gets back, I want a spa day. It won't really be even to me... but it'll be enough. Enough so that I get a break, even just for a few hours.

I just don't want to end up like my brother and his wife. His wife had her first at 17. Then she met my brother while he was in law school, they got married, and had two more kids. She never pursued her education and just threw herself into the kids.

I remember seeing them in October thinking... no, it can't be this good. She has to be feeling something aside from my brother and the kids. And I was right, in January/February they announced they were separating.

My brother is mostly flabbergasted. She's in her 30s now and just talking about how she never had a life and how she wants to enjoy life now.

I don't feel bad about missing my 20s, at least in the typical sense. I'm not even afraid of aging. I look forward to my 30s, and even older. I just don't want to LOOK older than I am. Yet, the age itself - I'm totally cool with.

But I just want a little thing here and there, my own career, my own time apart from the kids, some time with friends, so that I don't suddenly end up like my brother and his wife.

My DH is a good guy... I think he just doesn't understand sometimes.

Like I told my BFF, they need to make a movie about the women behind these guys. If you watch any "Secret Agent" or "Military" movie, they always focus on the guys and the action they live. Sometimes they'll call back home to hear their wife say "Oh the kids are wonderful!" and then they go back to the action.

They never show the wife. The life of the wife is far less glamourous. And I think the key to surviving as a wife is staying busy and finding a balance in your life.

So I'm going to promise myself that I'm going to spend time and focus on myself. If I need a spa day (or a lunch with the girls), I'm going to do it. Its far better for me to do that and spend a few dollars here and there than to feel the way I do and end up like my SIL and brother if I don't.

And yeah, probably fit in date nights as well. But at the current moment I'm not thinking about date nights. I'm still sort of resentful about all the fun DH is having. Rally racing last week, Bourbon street last night. End of this month he'll be driving ATVs. I'm happy for him... but I want to be happy too.

Is it evil of me to be somewhat hopeful he has a semi-not-so-great time at his current location as he has to work in 90 degree weather building palates?