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Moving and Compromise

June 28th, 2010 at 06:47 am

DH has been back for awhile now and we've been getting things ready for the move.

It all came to a head last night as we stayed up till 3 am talking. My telling him my needs and what I need out of the marriage, him telling me what he needs, where we went wrong, etc.

But the conversation did not go well.

There was no fighting... just a lot of silence in between tough statements.

As I told him what I needed, I heard in response "I'm just not like that and I'm not going to be okay with you going out and talking to other people (male or female) because you say I'm emotionally unavailable."

I felt stabbed in the stomach. For so many years, I've sacrificed my career and my dreams to support him. Always believing that if he was happy, he'd watch out for me too and I would be happy.

I could have been a CPA years ago in '04, but I held off the exam because we didn't know where we were going to be stationed and by that time the rules changed to 150 credit hours. So off to get my master's degree I went.

I don't even know why he's with me anymore. I feel like I'm always criticized and not his type. Whether its my brown eyes, my 2nd toe being longer than my big toe, or how my eyes squint when I'm full out laughing... it's all stuff he picks on me. Then to criticize every action I do in the house to how I make spaghetti, the amount of paper towels I use... and nothing positive in between.... I think I've reached my limit.

So I emailed him today and told him, I'm crushed. That what he just did to me was like telling me he needed sex in our marriage & I was unwilling to bend or compromise and he was not allowed to seek that elsewhere. That if he wasn't willing to deal with that HE would be responsible for us separating.

Crushed because it wasn't infidelity, trust, or lies to do us in. Ultimately it would be the unwilling to bend and make the other partner happy because "That's just not who I am"

I'm not in any rush to throw in the towel to our marriage. But if things are not better by September we can file for divorce and try to seek out the happiness we both want in life. If things work out, then either way we end up happy.

But I'm just tired... this isn't what I would have imagined for my life, but I have to come to terms with the fact that he's not comforting, reassuring, or even nurturing. He could give me anything I wanted in terms of possessions, but really all I want is to feel loved, adored, and appreciated. I'm going after my own career, I can take care of myself - I just wanted a partner in my life.

So we'll see what happens. We're still moving and plans are still on schedule. Either way, I just need to promise myself to find happiness. At least if I walk away now, I'll know what went wrong.

12 Responses to “Moving and Compromise”

  1. north georgia gal Says:

    I am so sorry for your what you are going through. Hang in there and remain true to yourself.

  2. gamecock43 Says:

    Wow- thats a lot of info to deal with. You seem to be handling it well, given everything. And you certaintly have tried.

  3. Broken Arrow Says:

    It's kind of chilling for me to read that, because it echos so many things that I have experienced myself, both in your position as well as his.

    I have no advice, which is fortunate because you didn't ask for one. Big Grin But I do hope that you will take care.

  4. momcents Says:


    I'm sorry that it didn't go well. And I wouldn't compromise on what you want out of life in order to stay in a marriage that isn't fulfilling or supportive. Would you want your daughters in a marriage like this?

  5. MonkeyMama Says:

    momcents says it well. ((HUGS))

  6. My English Castle Says:

    Indeed big hugs. You're in all our thoughts.
    You do deserve to feel cherished. In the meantime, cherish yourself.

  7. Joanne Says:

    I am so sorry to hear what has happened. You must feel so hurt. Has the cricism that you mentioned been going on all along? Or, is this new? You probably already tell yr. husband this.. , but have you told him.. don't criticize me, I have taken care of so much. I would also tell him that he is not @ work, & not the Chief here . I know that you didn't ask for advice.. But, counseling would prob. still be gd., even just for you. I would let husband know that everything is not about him., and things aren't going to be run all around him. So sorry again for what you are going through. Why would he want to stay in an unhappy marraige? If he doesn't want to be emotionally present, there may not be much you can do. Am really sorry.

  8. ambitioussaver Says:

    Joanne, after I wrote him that he told me that he's trying to stay and work things out. But that I haven't given him the chance.... that it's hard for him to be emotionally available & he doesn't want to lose me, that he "knows I'm a catch", but fears I'll leave him for someone who can be there for me on an emotional level.

    I just feel like him and I are banging our heads against a wall. I'm exhausted and emotionally depleted, I really just have to do what it takes now to make sure I take care of myself. I don't hate him, never did... we just may not be the right people for each other.

  9. Broken Arrow Says:

    And what do think about his response?

    Have you given him a chance?

    Why do you suppose he can't be available emotionally?

    How do you feel about him revealing that he's afraid of losing you?

  10. Joanne Says:

    Ambitious, It is understandable that you are feeling depleted. The answer that yr. husband gave seems like he wants to stay, but maybe doesn't understand that being in a relationship does take time , and being present. The answer seems confusing. What does he say about the kids? Has he always been this way? But, I would tell him to stop the critisism each time it comes up. This is tough. And, again sorry for this. Has he been on any different deployments recently? Could you possibly talk to a Navy chaplain in private? Or, what does the family support / Navy Do? Do they help w/ counseling? wishing you the best....

  11. Looking Forward Says:

    Tough road ahead for you both. Good luck.
    BTW, why did you delete all the other postings?

  12. Joanne Says:

    Ambitious, Just saying hi,& hope that you are doing okay. You must be really busy moving, etc. I was thinking of you because my son is getting ready for deployment. Hope all is well with you. Take care.

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