I had a realization about 2 nights ago.
And it was this:
Being weak, at least for me, is not an option.
There are too many people who depend on me for me to allow myself to fall apart. I have a mid-term today and I can't let anything distract me from doing well this semester because I HAVE to graduate this semester.
If I don't, greater problems arise because that means I'll either not be able to graduate with my master's degree (and I didn't spend 2 years getting my master's to simply not finish), or we can't move as a family because DH is set to transfer duty stations after this semester... meaning our family will be separated.
I have four kids that depend on me and I need to be strong for them. I have a husband who needs my support in his career.
And I have a job that is going through a tremendous amount of growth & opportunity. In fact, a WONDERFUL opportunity has been presented to me which means that in one of the most difficult times of my life - I'll need to step up more than ever so that WHEN the rough part is done, I will not have regret for missing out on an opportunity to better the life of myself and my family.
I will have a lifetime to grieve, but right now I need to remind myself that as tough as it is now - I can't allow my grief to consume me to the point I let go of a brighter future ahead.
My Dad wouldn't want me to do that. When I came to him 2 years ago and asked him if he thought it would be wiser to get my master's degree or visit him in Hawaii (both cost the same), he told me to get my degree because it would give him peace of mind to know that I was doing what I needed to do in order to make sure I secured the chance for a brighter future for his grandkids.
Its not that I'm heartless, because I love my Dad more than anything. But I know there is no changing the situation and I'm given two choices.
a) I can let my grief consume me and become so depressed I let go of the opportunities presented to me right now
b) I can accept the situation and choose to make the best out of the situation knowing that my Dad would want me to do what I needed to so that even after he is gone, myself and the kids have a bright future ahead of us.
That is the only gift I can give him, really. The peace of mind that he is passing knowing I will be okay. He needs that peace, I don't want him to die worrying.
It is only through my life continuing to grow and thrive that I'll have the opportunity to continue the legacy that he's given me.
Realization
September 30th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
September 30th, 2009 at 12:55 pm 1254315354
What an amazing person you are. I admire your ability to process what is going on and analyze it. I can handle situations admirably (but on autopilot - things tend to revisit me after when I haven't processed things). Do take care of yourself during this time. And you might want to make your professor aware of your situation prior to the test. I had to take finals during the week my grandfather died (and he was like my father to me when I was young). Best of luck on the test.
September 30th, 2009 at 01:30 pm 1254317403
I am off in a few minutes to go see my Dad. He lives an hour away so I do get to see him rather regular. It would be difficult to have him far away as you do. When he's ill, I do get to be with him. I feel for you, I really really do! You are one strong lady!
Good luck on those tests and at your work!!! You won't need luck, though, because you are putting in the effort. GO YOU!!! Your family is truly blessed to have a Mom & Wife & Daughter like you.
September 30th, 2009 at 01:35 pm 1254317718
September 30th, 2009 at 01:42 pm 1254318169
October 1st, 2009 at 02:24 am 1254363854
October 1st, 2009 at 10:48 am 1254394093