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September 30th, 2009 at 05:50 am

I had a realization about 2 nights ago.

And it was this:

Being weak, at least for me, is not an option.

There are too many people who depend on me for me to allow myself to fall apart. I have a mid-term today and I can't let anything distract me from doing well this semester because I HAVE to graduate this semester.

If I don't, greater problems arise because that means I'll either not be able to graduate with my master's degree (and I didn't spend 2 years getting my master's to simply not finish), or we can't move as a family because DH is set to transfer duty stations after this semester... meaning our family will be separated.

I have four kids that depend on me and I need to be strong for them. I have a husband who needs my support in his career.

And I have a job that is going through a tremendous amount of growth & opportunity. In fact, a WONDERFUL opportunity has been presented to me which means that in one of the most difficult times of my life - I'll need to step up more than ever so that WHEN the rough part is done, I will not have regret for missing out on an opportunity to better the life of myself and my family.

I will have a lifetime to grieve, but right now I need to remind myself that as tough as it is now - I can't allow my grief to consume me to the point I let go of a brighter future ahead.

My Dad wouldn't want me to do that. When I came to him 2 years ago and asked him if he thought it would be wiser to get my master's degree or visit him in Hawaii (both cost the same), he told me to get my degree because it would give him peace of mind to know that I was doing what I needed to do in order to make sure I secured the chance for a brighter future for his grandkids.

Its not that I'm heartless, because I love my Dad more than anything. But I know there is no changing the situation and I'm given two choices.

a) I can let my grief consume me and become so depressed I let go of the opportunities presented to me right now
b) I can accept the situation and choose to make the best out of the situation knowing that my Dad would want me to do what I needed to so that even after he is gone, myself and the kids have a bright future ahead of us.

That is the only gift I can give him, really. The peace of mind that he is passing knowing I will be okay. He needs that peace, I don't want him to die worrying.

It is only through my life continuing to grow and thrive that I'll have the opportunity to continue the legacy that he's given me.

6 Responses to “Realization”

  1. momcents Says:

    What an amazing person you are. I admire your ability to process what is going on and analyze it. I can handle situations admirably (but on autopilot - things tend to revisit me after when I haven't processed things). Do take care of yourself during this time. And you might want to make your professor aware of your situation prior to the test. I had to take finals during the week my grandfather died (and he was like my father to me when I was young). Best of luck on the test.

  2. LuxLiving Says:

    Let me wipe the tears from my eyes to say "Well said!"

    I am off in a few minutes to go see my Dad. He lives an hour away so I do get to see him rather regular. It would be difficult to have him far away as you do. When he's ill, I do get to be with him. I feel for you, I really really do! You are one strong lady!

    Good luck on those tests and at your work!!! You won't need luck, though, because you are putting in the effort. GO YOU!!! Your family is truly blessed to have a Mom & Wife & Daughter like you.

  3. creditcardfree Says:

    You are one strong woman! I'm not surprised, military spouses have to be. Try to sneak in a few moments for peace and relaxation when you can.

  4. MomEsq Says:

    I am sure that your father is proud of you and knows how much you love him. Good luck with the mid-term and over the next few weeks. Your focus and strength are an amazing example, and as LuxLiving commented, your husband and children are truly blessed to have you.

  5. homebody Says:

    You are strong you have already proven yourself to be able to do one of the toughest jobs in the world (military wife). On a practical note, have you considered or do you have a web cam with Skype so your dad can see you and the kids? They are really easy to install if your dad has access to a computer too. Hang in there. We are all rooting for you.

  6. ambitioussaver Says:

    Homebody, I thought of that initially but my Dad never really wanted to do it.... it was tough. But now he just can't get on the computer. I'm nervous to say the least, I called my Aunt and his arm is starting to turn bluish and I guess that is a sign death is near. He can't even get up or help my Aunt to lift him into the wheelchair, so now he is just staying in bed. So for now I'm just hoping and praying that he makes it till we can see him again... thats all I want, just to see him once more again and to know he got to see the kids. He loves his grandkids so much and I wish he could have spent more time with them.

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