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Archive for June, 2010

Moving and Compromise

June 28th, 2010 at 01:47 pm

DH has been back for awhile now and we've been getting things ready for the move.

It all came to a head last night as we stayed up till 3 am talking. My telling him my needs and what I need out of the marriage, him telling me what he needs, where we went wrong, etc.

But the conversation did not go well.

There was no fighting... just a lot of silence in between tough statements.

As I told him what I needed, I heard in response "I'm just not like that and I'm not going to be okay with you going out and talking to other people (male or female) because you say I'm emotionally unavailable."

I felt stabbed in the stomach. For so many years, I've sacrificed my career and my dreams to support him. Always believing that if he was happy, he'd watch out for me too and I would be happy.

I could have been a CPA years ago in '04, but I held off the exam because we didn't know where we were going to be stationed and by that time the rules changed to 150 credit hours. So off to get my master's degree I went.

I don't even know why he's with me anymore. I feel like I'm always criticized and not his type. Whether its my brown eyes, my 2nd toe being longer than my big toe, or how my eyes squint when I'm full out laughing... it's all stuff he picks on me. Then to criticize every action I do in the house to how I make spaghetti, the amount of paper towels I use... and nothing positive in between.... I think I've reached my limit.

So I emailed him today and told him, I'm crushed. That what he just did to me was like telling me he needed sex in our marriage & I was unwilling to bend or compromise and he was not allowed to seek that elsewhere. That if he wasn't willing to deal with that HE would be responsible for us separating.

Crushed because it wasn't infidelity, trust, or lies to do us in. Ultimately it would be the unwilling to bend and make the other partner happy because "That's just not who I am"

I'm not in any rush to throw in the towel to our marriage. But if things are not better by September we can file for divorce and try to seek out the happiness we both want in life. If things work out, then either way we end up happy.

But I'm just tired... this isn't what I would have imagined for my life, but I have to come to terms with the fact that he's not comforting, reassuring, or even nurturing. He could give me anything I wanted in terms of possessions, but really all I want is to feel loved, adored, and appreciated. I'm going after my own career, I can take care of myself - I just wanted a partner in my life.

So we'll see what happens. We're still moving and plans are still on schedule. Either way, I just need to promise myself to find happiness. At least if I walk away now, I'll know what went wrong.

Miracles Do Happen

June 23rd, 2010 at 06:46 pm

Remember when I took the Regulation Exam and said "If I pass it'll be a miracle"?

Well, I passed - with the same score as I got in Financial.

That leaves just the Business exam

I have to say I'm VERY excited to be 75% of the way through passing the CPA exam.

I'm not taking the Business exam lightly though because I've been EXTREMELY distracted this month, emotionally and just being my usual busy self. But the test is on 7/1 so I'm just going to cross my fingers that I pass it on the first time too. I'll be extremely thrilled if I can pass all four parts on the first time cause my Accounting Dept Head said only 10% of people pass on the first try and seemed like he was discouraging when I told him my plans.

But on that note, he's a great professor. I think he just didn't want me setting my hopes too high only to get dashed.