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And just like that he was gone

April 4th, 2010 at 04:42 am

These next few months will probably be very trying for me.

DH will be in and out practically till we move. And I realize the CPA exam is one thing I have that keeps me so busy, I'm not allowed to dwell on any feelings of doubt, insecurity, or disappointment.

But I haven't started studying for the next part yet. I wanted to give myself at least 2 days of a break. Ideally, I wouldn't start till the 12th. Yet, I may start today - its hard for me to think of anything but him.

He came back on Friday but we barely got any time together. He had to pack and finish up the final for his PACE course that he's taking to get his associate's degree. By midnight, I went to bed and by 5:45 am on Saturday, I realized that he had never come to bed. He had so much to do he was practically up all night.

By 8 am... he was gone again.

And I missed him more than I did the day before because I got to see him, yet it was like he wasn't really here. He had to pack, had to do laundry, had to finish up his course.

He usually calls at night, but he went out for beers with the guys. By 10:30 his time he told me he was almost done and would call me later.

Can't tell you how disappointing it is to wake up the next morning to know he didn't call. And I already know why he didn't, he texted me to say he got in late and just went to bed. Which upsets me cause he said he was going to call. That and just before he said he was almost done.

I love him, very much. When he's around we are constantly together. But it always bugs me to hear "I'll call you later" but the call never comes. I can handle pretty much anything thrown my way - just don't tell me you're going to do something and not follow through.

So I am upset now... but trying not to let my emotions get the best of me. I like to read - a lot. And in boredom yesterday I looked at my bookshelf and noticed I still had a lot of books I have yet to finish.

One of them was from the Dalai Lama about "The Way To a Meaningful Life". In general, I like reading books about anything that may help better my life in any way. Books about better eating, how to read body language, understand people better, time management, and in general understanding myself better.

So I turned to the page that I had last left off on. And it was about the types of negative feelings that are better left unsaid and the types that should be expressed. In short, it was about how negative feelings that can demonstrate a conflict and work towards a resolution are the types that should be expressed. However, anger, jealousy, hatred, lust, etc are the types that should never be expressed because the attention gives more energy to those feelings and they grow.

So I'm trying to take that to heart and - as I said, not trying to let my disappointment get to me. I think this lifestyle in general can be challenging from time to time. This is just one of those challenges.

I can't wait for shore duty.

4 Responses to “And just like that he was gone”

  1. Apprentice Bliss Hunter Says:

    I hope you feel better soon ! Your DH seems to have a very demanding time schedule - I hope he is back home soon !

  2. creditcardfree Says:

    ((Hugs)) I can so relate to your feelings. With deployment looming and training already beginning my emotions are all over the place. He will get a couple weeks home before MOB station which will bring different emotions. The book you picked up sounds very helpful. Take care.

  3. crazyliblady Says:

    [Here's hugs and a hot cup of tea.] I am so sorry that you and he are not on the same page with what is important. Perhaps when he is done with his training, you should take a trip out of town to spend time together without distractions.

  4. pjmama Says:

    I've dealt with deployments as well, and they are so difficult to handle at times. I'm like you, I read to keep my mind off things-- and ironically, I've found a couple of the books by the Dalai Lama to be particularly helpful, or at least uplifting in those sorts of situations. Hang in there, and try to be as understanding as possible while still addressing your needs with him as well. It'll all work out in the end.

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